In Between IV: Goose-stepping out
by Eloise05
Summary: HUMANIZED. Rico's parents come to visit. Kowalski goes undercover to lend a hand and Marlene thinks she might have found the perfect guy, but gets scared off by one small detail. There might be slight KowalskixRico if you want to see it like that. Even a tiny bit of RicoxPrivate and RicoxSkipper
1. Chapter 1

_**Ricardo "Rico" Fernandez**__: he is the only one still leaving in the HQ (a big, one room apartment with no wall divisions, grey , brick walls and grey floors). He's tall with dark hair and topaz eyes and the usual scar on the left part of his mouth._

_**Steven Davidson a.k.a. Skipper**__: in the beginning he is sharing an apartment with Private. He has brown hair and piercing blue eyes. _

_**Percival "Percy" Smith a.k.a. Private**__: He's the youngest and smallest in the group. Private's love of sewing and making doll's dresses turned into a business and now he owns a clothing store which he manages when he's not with the team. Of British origin, he has light blonde hair, baby blue eyes and freckles. _

_**Jan Kowalski**__: He is gay-married according to NY state law to Francis Blowhole, whit whom he is living. He is of Polish descent, the tallest of the group, blonde and blue eyed. _

_**Marlene Potter**__: She is a very cute, flirty, but zany girl. She has dark brown hair and brown eyes. _

_**Francis Blowhole**__: is Kowalski's life partner (because mad scientist's have to keep together). He has light brown hair, green eyes____and wears an electronic eye patch over his right eye____(which he devised) designed after the shape of his eye and bone structure. (In case you were wondering, no he didn't gave up the Evil business all together)_

_**Julian King**__: He is the owner of the club The Kingdom. He is very tall, thin and likes to wear leather (neah, just joking (or am I?)). He is dark skinned and has amber eyes. _

_At Kowalski and Blowhole's apartment, everybody is standing around this huge table loaded with food. _

**Private: **Kowalski, this brunch is amazing.  
**Kowalski: **Oh, please, I was just reading some cooking blogs and got a little epicurious and decided to just, you know, throw together whatever looked fun. Candied walnuts? **Skipper **(_takes a walnut_): These are fantastic. Did you make them yourself?

**Kowalski: **Couldn't have been easier. (_starts talking in that fast way he does when he's explaining things and breath isn't as important as the stuff spewing from his brain_). You crack them, hull them, toast them, brush them with a little olive oil, then rub them with cayenne pepper, some turmeric, and cinnamon sugar and put them in the oven for a quick roast, flipping them every five minutes for an hour and a half.  
**Skipper**: Are you crying?

**Kowalski: **A little bit. l am just… so tired.  
**Marlene: **Guys, l hate to be the girl that, like, makes every conversation about her, but let's be honest—

**Blowhole: **You are.  
**Marlene: **Yeah, I am. I'm going on a blind date tonight with the most amazing-sounding guy, Bernard.  
**Blowhole: **Are people still named Bernard?

**Rico: **You gotta cancel it. You have a date tonight with me. My parents are in town. You're my girlfriend of nteenth years.  
**Marlene: **Oh, my God, I totally forgot they were coming. I'm so sorry, I can't be your beard.  
**Rico: **You're telling me that one single date with some stranger is more important than what we fake have?

**Marlene: **Yeah. And honestly, I'm sick of being your beard. For someone who behaves nothing like a gay guy, you have even less of an idea how to act like a straight guy. Remember last time your parents were in town? You went on and on about my tatas in front of your step dad. "Can't get enough of these, am l right?". And then you followed it with ''And don't even get me started with what's going on down there". (_they walk to the couch area where everyone else is sitting)_.  
**Rico: **What am I gonna do?

**Skipper: **Maybe you should come out to your parents.  
**Rico: **Ugh, coming out is so gay. And why should l? My parents only visit once every two years.  
**Private: **Hey, wait, I can be your beard, but I wanna be named Larissa and I'm a sculptress.  
**Rico **(_ignoring him completely_): Kowalski, will you do it?

**Kowalski: **Why me?

**Private: **Why not me?

**Rico: **Please, you're my only hope.  
**Private: **I just offered.  
**Rico: **Kowalski, there is no one else that could do this.  
**Private: **Wait, can nobody hear me? Am I a ghost?

**Blowhole: **Yes.  
**Rico: **It's nothing personal. I just personally feel that Kowalski would be better at it.  
**Private: **How is that not personal?

**Kowalski: **It's true, I'd be an awesome beard.  
**Rico: **So you'll do it?

**Kowalski: **No. Rico it's time for you to come out to your parents.  
**Skipper: **Kowalski's right.  
**Rico: **Look, I hear you guys…Private, will you do it?

**Private: **No. I offered three times and you insulted me to my face. (_he gets up and leaves_)  
**Rico**: That's only because I thought I had someone better.

_Skipper and Rico are walking down the street having just left Kowalski's brunch. Rico stops to get some hot dogs. _.  
**Rico: **So I don't know where I'm gonna find a perfect girl to play a beard by 7:00.  
**Skipper: **Hey, I got a crazy thought.  
**Rico: **Put you in a dress and lipstick, like sexy Bugs Bunny?

**Skipper: **Idiot, come out to your parents. It won't be that bad, they're sweet liberal Latinos.  
**Rico: **First of all, you never knowhow they're gonna react. Second of all, they're obsessed with grandkids. How bad are they gonna freak when I tell them I can't have kids?

**Skipper: **You could still have kids.  
**Rico: **Ugh, I don't want kids.  
**Skipper: **Rico, these are just excuses, all right? I know it's hard, but come on. You should tell them tonight. I'll come with you for moral support.  
**Rico: **You'd do that for me?

**Skipper: **Of course, because I love you.  
**Rico: **Plus you know my step dad's gonna pay for dinner.  
**Skipper: **Yeah. I'm gonna get two apps and probably a steak.  
**Rico: **Yeah, crab mashed potatoes!  
**Skipper: **Love me some crab masha!

_At Kowalski and Blowhole's apartment, the two of them are tidying up after the brunch. _

**Kowalski: **Ugh, was it wrong that l didn't wanna be Rico's beard? l just think he'd be so much happier if he were honest with his parents.  
**Blowhole: **Yeah, totally. Just curious, didn't it take you, like, six months before you told your parents you were living with a guy, who was evil?

**Kowalski: **That had nothing to do with gender. And my parents don't see any kind of affiliation, they just see sleeping with their son.  
**Blowhole: **Oh, I sleep the sleep out of that.  
**Kowalski: **I know you do. Anyway, I just needed to tell them in my own time.  
**Blowhole: **As opposed to Rico, who has to tell his parents he's gay tonight because his friends think he should.  
**Kowalski: **No, that is totally different.  
**Blowhole: **How?

**Kowalski: **Why you gotta do that?

_Marlene is making her way through a crowded bar looking for her blind date. A cute man spots her. _

**Cute Man: **Excuse me, are you Sarah?

**Marlene: **No, oh, and I'm guessing you're not Bernard.  
**Cute Man**: Is it too late to say that I am?

**Marlene: **Is it too early to say, ''How do you like your eggs?'' I'm sorry. Uh, when I get nervous l turn into Blanche from the Golden Girls.  
**Cute Man: **I'm a Sophia man, myself. I'm Doug.  
**Marlene: **Hi, Marlene. Uh, so you're waiting for a blind date, too?

**Doug: **I was, but I've been here a half an hour. I think I've been stood up.

_A very awkward looking man starts making his way towards them_  
**Awkward Guy: **Marlene? Marlene Potter? Marlene Potter? Marlene Potter?

**Marlene: **And it looks like I've been stood up too, so…

**Doug: **Did you wanna give him another minute?

**Marlene: **I'm good.  
**Doug: **You sure?

**Marlene: **Yeah. 

_Skipper and Rico enter the restaurant where Rico's parents (Hector and Paola) are waiting for them. _  
**Rico's parents **(_waving and talking very loudly_): Oh, Rico. Ricci. Hey, Rico. We're here. Over here. We're here. You see us?

**Rico **(_with a resigned look_): Nope, they're not here. Let's go.  
**Skipper **(_grabs his arm_): Hey, it's gonna be all right. Now man up and tell them you like dudes. (_pats him on the back_)  
**Hector: **Get over here ...  
**Rico **(_all smiles_): Hey, Mom. (_hugs his mom, while Skipper shakes hands with his step-dad)_  
**Paola: **Hello, sweetheart. Are you warm enough?

**Rico: **Yes, I'm warm enough. Hi, Dad.  
**Paola: **Oh, and Skipper, too. How are you? (_sends him a flying kiss_). Skipper, this is such a nice surprise.  
**Hector: **Where's Marlene? We were so excited to see her.  
**Rico: **Oh, she couldn't make it.  
**Hector: **Why?

**Skipper/Rico** (_blurt at the same time_): They broke up/ She's busy..  
**Hector: **Well, which is it? Busy? Broke up?

**Rico: **Ooh, you know, breakups are still a bit of a hot button issue for this guy. (_points to Skipper_)  
**Paola: **Skipper, honey, do you wanna talk about it?

**Skipper: **Actually, Rico is the one who—

**Paola: **From what Rico has told us, that Lola girl leaving you, that was the best thing that could have happened.  
**Skipper: **That's what I've been saying.  
**Paola: **Now you're free to be who you are.  
**Skipper: **Exactly.  
**Paola: **And find happiness with men.  
**Skipper: **Yes! Wait, what's that with the men thing?

**Rico **(_nodding_): Could you give us a quick second? (_pulls Skipper aside_). Quick sidebar, my parents think you're gay.  
**Skipper: **What?

**Rico: **Like, super-gay.  
**Skipper: **Why?  
**Rico: **Look. ln college my parents found my porn underneath my mattress and l panicked. I said it was yours.  
**Skipper: **Why would my porn be under your mattress?

**Rico: **I panicked again and I said that you used to lie in my bed and were obsessed with me.  
**Skipper: **You are not good under pressure.  
**Rico: **Don't you think l know that?

**Skipper: **We are clearing this up once and for all. (_turn back to Rico's parents_) Hector, Paola, Rico has something he's been meaning to tell you for a long, long time.  
**Rico: **Uh… This is… uh, kinda tough to say, but… um, Skipper's gay.  
**Paola: **Well, honey, we knew that.  
**Rico: **Yeah, it's pretty obvious.  
**Skipper: **Rico?

**Rico: **All right. The reason I'm not dating Marlene anymore is because I am… um,

_At that exact same moment, Kowalski walks through the doors all in disguise, made up like the prettiest pretty woman you have ever seen. _

**Kowalski **(_in a fake high voice_):Hey, papi. So sorry I'm late. Hi.  
**Paola: **Hi.  
**Rico: **I'm dating…

**Kowalski:** Jane, silly

**Rico: **Jane, now. 

_Back at the bar with Marlene and Doug. They are chilling at the bar having a couple of martinis. _

**Marlene: **I can't believe we just met. You're so easy to talk to.  
**Doug: **You, too. Usually on first dates I feel so much pressure to pretend I read.  
**Marlene: **I know, I hate reading.  
**Doug: **Ugh. (_both sarcastic_. _Meanwhile the check comes and they both reach for it_) Oh. Uh, no, let me get this.  
**Marlene: **So sweet.

_Marlene's awkward blind date is still making his rounds looking for her._  
**Awkward guy: **Marlene? Marlene Potter? Marlene? (_Marlene and Doug exchange accomplice looks then smile_)

**Doug: **Hey, can I take you to dinner tomorrow night? This bar is fine for a blind date, but you deserve to be taken somewhere exceptional.  
**Marlene: **Wow, how are you still single?

**Doug: **I could ask the same thing about you. Excuse me for a second. (_he gets up and leaves_)  
**Marlene **(_notices that he left his card_): Ooh, a black card. Are you enjoying your reward points, Mr… Hitler?

_At the restaurant, the party of 5 are settling at their table. _

**Rico; **Mom, Dad, I'm so happy you get to meet my new girlfriend. And, honey, so glad you got to make it. I am gonna grab a chair.  
**Skipper: **I'll help you with that chair. Jane, you don't wanna help with your own chair?

**Kowalski: **…I do.  
**Hector: **That must be quite a chair.  
**Skipper: **What are you doing here? l thought we agreed Rico was gonna come out tonight?

**Kowalski **(_back to his own deep voice_):I thought about it, and I decided it is not up to us to push him if he is not ready.  
**Skipper: **Oh, so you're gonna let him live a lie? That sucks.  
**Rico: **Hey! You don't talk to my girlfriend like that. Listen, Kowalski, if you're gonna do this, there's a lot of back story that you need to know.  
**Kowalski: **Don't worry, I am gonna crush this. I am parent heroin, okay? (_laughs overconfidently they get back to the table_). Paola, Hector, it is so great to finally meet you. I have an awesome weekend planned. Paola, tomorrow morning, you, me, outlet malls, and then at noon, Hector and I are gonna tee off And bring your wallet, because I am not gonna go easy on you.  
**Hector: **Really? That is so great. You're not too busy?

**Kowalski: **No, I would do anything for the two people who made this guy possible.  
Right, honey? Come here.  
**Rico: **What? (_that's all he manages to blurt out before Kowalski starts kissing him. Everybody is watching them, Rico's parents seem pleased, Skipper is actually staring_) **Paola: **Skipper, don't be jealous. You'll meet your knight in shining armor.  
**Skipper: **l'm not jealous! 

_At the bar, Doug has returned at the table and is settling the check for the both of them. _

**Marlene: **lnteresting name, ''Heitler''.

**Doug: **lt's ''Hitler''.

**Marlene: **Oh, it's not pronounced Heitler.  
**Doug: **No.  
**Marlene: **Could it be?

**Doug: **Uh, this always happens. Whenever girls hear my name, all they can think is, is he related to that Hitler?  
**Marlene: **I'm not thinking that. Are you?

**Doug: **No, of course not. There's no relation at all.  
**Marlene: **And your family never considered changing their name?

**Doug: **Okay, here it is: the American Hitlers came to this country 200 years ago. We were regular, solid citizens. My cousin, Ron Hitler, owns the second-largest mattress chain in the Midwest.  
**Marlene: **Oh, does he sell a lot of mein comforters?  
**Doug **(_gives a weak laugh_): That's good. Look, you seem great and I swear I am normal. So can we go back to when you were just Marlene and I was just Doug, a guy hoping that you would have dinner with him tomorrow night?

**Marlene: **Yes, yes, l would love to have dinner with you, Doug Hi- Doug.  
**Doug: **Takes some getting used to, huh?

**Marlene: **Yes. Yes, it does. 

_Kowalski returns triumphant from his dinner with Rico's parents. _

**Kowalski: **So, they loved me.  
**Blowhole: **Knew they would.  
**Kowalski: **I mean, I'm not surprised. I was funny, warm, affectionate.  
**Blowhole: **That's great, babe. (_pause_) How affectionate?

**Kowalski: **Oh, we held hands, some light nuzzling, kissed once or twice.  
**Blowhole: **You kissed Rico?

**Kowalski: **Well, l had to sell it. I mean, l was on fire. I worked in some Yiddish, a little golf talk.  
**Blowhole: **Was there tongue?

**Kowalski: **Why are you being so weird about this? Is this really bothering you?

**Blowhole: **No, I'm not really jealous. I know l'm your only sweetheart. (_he goes in to kiss him, but Kowalski's phone rings_)  
**Kowalski: **Oh. Hey, papi. (_to Blowhole_) It's Rico. So?

**Rico: **You nailed it.  
**Kowalski: **Yes, l knew it, l knew it. I'm parent heroin. They have got a Jane addiction, and it's bad. I'm talking shaking at a bus stop willing to do downstairs stuff for a nickel bag of me bad.. So should l pick your mom up at 9:00 tomorrow, or—

**Rico: **That's kinda what I was calling about. My step-dad has this business thing that came up, and they're on, like, a 6:00 a.m. flight. (_Kowalski's face falls_)  
**Kowalski: **Oh, well, that's too bad.  
**Rico: **Yeah, they're bummed. But Operation Beard was a huge success. I owe you big-time. (_ends the call_)  
**Kowalski: **They're leaving early. God, I was so looking forward to hanging out with them. (_leans to hug Blowhole_)  
**Blowhole: **No. Feels dirty now. 

_Marlene and Kowalski are walking down the street. _

**Marlene: **I had the weirdest date last night.  
**Kowalski: **I made out with Rico in front of his parents last night, so you might not wanna play weird date poker with me.  
**Marlene: **You decided to go? How was it?

**Kowalski: **Nailed it. They loved me. They had to leave early but Rico said they were devastated they didn't get to spend more time with me.  
**Marlene: **Really? Because they look like they're doing okay to me. (_Marlene shows him_ _Rico and his parent's having breakfast outside of Alice's_) 


	2. Chapter 2

_Rico enters the dark HQ. From somewhere in the shadows a deep and menacing voice speaks. _

**Kowalski: **Hello, Rico. (_Rico screams in terror. Kowalski switches on the lamp to reveal himself kinda like a Bond villain sitting in the armchair_) I'm sorry, did l startle you? **Rico: **You're not sorry. You're sitting alone in my apartment in the dark. Pretty sure you meant to do that.  
**Kowalski: **I just wanted to come by, make sure your parents got off okay.  
**Rico: **Yeah, it's great, fine.  
**Kowalski**: You sure? No long lines at the terminal? No delays?

**Rico: **No, smooth, you know.  
**Kowalski: **Oh, good. Good, good, good, because there can be such a long wait for a table at Alice's.  
**Rico: **Yeah, since their review came out, you know… All right, fine. They're still here. They're not leaving till tonight.  
**Kowalski: **Why did you tell me they were leaving? They loved me.  
**Rico: **Hmm.  
**Kowalski**: They didn't love me? But I killed.  
**Rico: **I don't think you understand what ''killed'' means in this context. 

**-FLASHBACK-**

_The previous night at dinner with Rico's parents. _

**Kowalski: **So the other night, Ricci and I got in our first fight, and I tried to stay mad at him, but look at this punum. (_grabs Rico's face on which he displays the most pained expression in the known Universe_). How could you stay mad at this punum?

**Skipper: **How could you?

**Kowalski: **Oh, give me this punum. (_starts kissing him again_. _Rico's parents look a little put off their dinner at this point_) But you know, you know, since he came out of you, huh? Mm, look at you. Oh, this shiksa's gotta pish.  
**Hector: **Mmm the Yiddish.  
**Paola: **Boy, she's a keeper.  
**Kowalski: **Yes, I am.  
**Rico: **I know, I know. (_Kowalski leaves for the bathroom_)  
**Paola: **God, I can't stand that woman.  
**Rico: **What? I thought you liked her?

**Hector: **What did you think we liked? The bizarre amount of time she French-kissed you in public? Or her continuous use of Yiddish?

**Paola: **It's bordering on the anti-Semitic.

**Rico: **But…but he…she's Jewish.  
**Hector:** That girl is so—

**Kowalski:** Hey!  
**Paola: **Hey. We're gonna have to put a bell on you.  
**Kowalski: **Oh, ding, ding, ding.  
**-FLASHBAK-**

**Kowalski: **But I thought I was doing you a mitzvah.  
**Rico **(_fed up_): Enough with the Yiddish. 

_At Marlene's apartment, Marlene is asking Private's opinion on possible outfits for her date with Doug that evening. _

**Marlene: **Okay, this one or this one?

**Private: **You know what? l think you should wear pants. It'll give you more freedom to goosestep. (_he even does the foot motion_)  
**Marlene: **I can't find that funny.  
**Private: **Oh, come on. I listened to Skipper go on and on about World War II just for this conversation. So what are you and Hitler gonna do tonight? Movie, dinner, invade Poland?

**Marlene: **Are you done?

**Private: **I got one more. I hope he's .  
**Marlene: **Glad we waited for that one. Do you think I'm crazy, going out with him? I mean, if we got married, okay, this is my future. (_shows him a notebook scribbled in what little girls with crushes usually do_) Marlene Hitler, Doug and Marlene Hitler, Mr. and Mrs. Douglas Hitler.  
**Private: **Ooh, the ''Douglas'' helps a little. Why don't you just keep Marlene Potter, or you can hyphenate it.  
**Marlene: **Marlene Hitler-Potter. Yeah, that's a winner.  
**Private: **If this guy's last name is the worst thing about him, that's not so bad. i mean, he sounds like a pretty great guy.  
**Marlene: **You're right. You are right. What does a name even matter? I mean, who cares, right? l dated that Turkish guy, Ahneed Jirnutz.  
**Private: **Oh, I liked AJ.  
**Marlene: **What went wrong with that? (_Private's phone rings. He picks up_)

**Private: **Hey, Rico.  
**Rico: **Is this Private, or is this Larissa the sculptress with the sultry voice?

**Private **(_unimpressed_): What happened to Kowalski?

**Rico: **He tanked, you were right. Please, Private, I really need your help on this.  
**Private **(_determined look on his face_)**: **That's all I needed to hear. Just give me the deets, and Larissa is on her way. (_he gets ready to write on Marlene's notebook_) Eight-thirty? Okay.  
**Rico: **Thank you so much. Oh, uh… uh, could you do me a favor? Go easy on the Jewish stuff? Kowalski tried it, not well-received. Then again, he is Jewish  
**Private: **Got it. (_hangs up_) I am gonna be Rico's beard.  
**Marlene: **So weird you wanna do that.  
**Private: **Have fun with Hitler tonight. Make sure he doesn't get in your Panzer. Whaaat? BOOM! 

_At the HQ Rico and Skipper are having lunch (don't think anything fancy) _

**Skipper: **Man, why do you need another beard? Your parents already think you're straight.  
**Rico: **You don't know my mom like I do. If I don't find a girl that she likes, soon she's gonna start setting me up with all her friends' fun single daughters.  
**Skipper: **Then why not just come out? I mean, your parents are cool with me being gay.  
Your dad can't stop telling me how much he loves Mamma Mia.  
**Rico: **Well, you're not their son, okay? They're here for four more hours. It's easier this way.  
**Skipper: **Really? Because it seems like a lot of work.  
**Rico: **Work? You ever been on a six-hour architectural tour with Maria Belen's daughter, Chichi? 

_At Kowalski and Blowhole's apartment. _

**Kowalski: **How could they not like me?

**Blowhole: **I like you, and that's all that matters.  
**Kowalski: **l know what happened.  
**Blowhole: **Here we go.  
**Kowalski: **I tried too hard. Probably came off a little needy. I should go over there and show them easy, breezy Kowalski.  
**Blowhole: **There's an easy, breezy Kowalski? (_Kowalski fake laughs at his not-joke_)  
**Kowalski: **Should l wear pearls?

**Blowhole: **Don't do this.  
**Kowalski: **You're right, you're right, no pearls, keep it simple.  
**Blowhole: **Jan, you did your job, his parents think he's straight. Don't go over there. It's not about you.  
**Kowalski: **You're right, it's not about me. (_an idea flashes in his eyes. He kisses him_) Now let's go upstairs. Why don't you lose all of that. And let's make it all about you.  
**Blowhole **(_starts undressing and makes his way upstairs, meanwhile, without him noticing, Kowalski grabs his undercover kit and sneaks for the door_): Okay. Make it all about me. What time is it? Sex o'clock. (_he hears the front door slam_) Damn it. Jan? Don't do—

_At Marlene's apartment, Marlene answers the door to Doug come to pick her up for their serious date. _

**Doug: **Hi.  
**Marlene: **Hey, come on in.  
**Doug: **Thank you. Wow, you look great.  
**Marlene: **Oh, thank you.  
**Doug: **So, Marlene, I am really glad you decided to go out with me.  
**Marlene: **Me, too. It was silly. I really, honestly, I don't have a problem with your name.  
In fact, I kinda like it, Doug Hitler. I'm gonna go grab my bag, because I'm going on a date with Hitler. Sound good to you, Hitler?

**Doug** (_unsure of how to respond_): Uh, sure.  
**Marlene **(_runs into the other room_): Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.  
**Doug **(_takes a look around the room while he's waiting for her_): So I made us a reservation at this cute little… (_spots the notebook where Marlene scribbled their names together like an infatuated schoolgirl_)

**Marlene: **uh is something wrong?

**Doug: **What's this?

**Marlene: **Uh, eh, nothing.  
**Doug: **Are you obsessed with me or something?

**Marlene: **What? No, uh-uh. No, no, no, l was just testing it out, to see if l could get on board with your name.  
**Doug: **Oh, well, you seem a little too on board with it.  
**Marlene: **I was trying to imagine how it would be in the future.  
**Doug: **After one drink.  
**Marlene: **Um…

**Doug: **Oh, I see what this is. You're one of those Hitler freaks and I'm the ultimate piece of memorabilia.  
**Marlene: **Wait, what?

**Doug: **You weirdoes always find me. So you wanna take me to some rally? Show me off or something?

**Marlene: **No, okay, this is not what it looks like, honestly. Can we start fresh? (_she rips the page from the notebook_) Eeh.(_the other page is the one Private wrote Rico's instructions on. It says 8:30 and Jews crossed out so he would remember to cut out the Yiddish_) Now that's gonna be hard to explain. 

_At Darlene's, Skipper and Rico are bringing Rico's parents some drinks_  
**Rico: **Where is Private? He's, like, 20 minutes late.  
**Skipper: **lt's better this way. Now this dinner can be about you coming out and me coming in.  
**Paola: **Rico darling, I want to talk to you a minute.(_Rico starts to eye the door nervously_) So, Ricci, honey, I know that technically you're still with Jane, but Barty's niece, Cristina, just graduated Brandeis, and is looking for someone to show her around.  
**Hector: **Just as friends, but who knows? (_grabs Skipper's scotch from his hand_) Oh, thanks, Skipper. Your next daiquiri is on me.  
**Skipper:…**Thanks. Stop that. Rico, don't you have something you wanna tell them?

**Rico: **Uh, yeah, I do have something to tell you. (_Kowalski a.k.a Jane makes his glorious appearance_)  
**Kowalski: **Paola, Hector, you need to give me a second chance.  
**Rico: **You gotta give Jane a second chance. I'm in love with her.  
**Skipper: ** Rico—(_Blowhole appears hot on Kowalski's heels_)

**Blowhole: **Jan, you're only gonna make things- Dude, what the freak, man? Stop sucking my husband's face.  
**Paola: **Who's husband now?

**Rico: **You're married? How could you? Who is this man?

**Skipper: **Rico.  
**Rico: **All right, l'm not in love with Jane… (_flinches_) because he's not a girl? But the truth is, it's kinda hard to say.  
**Paola: **Why, sweetie, what could be so hard? (_Private as Larissa finally arrives_)

**Private:**Hey, guys, babe, I am sorry I'm late. I had problems sculptressing.  
**Rico: **This is my new girlfriend. (_they start kissing_)  
**Kowalski: **Rico! You called Private?

**Private **(_untangles himself from Rico_): Who's Private? I'm Larissa.  
**Skipper **(_exasperated_): Private!

**Hector: **This is Private? The Private who left you?

**Skipper: **Yes.

**Hector**: I thought he was a male.(_to Rico_) So you're cheating on your married…I don't know what, I'm sorry dear, with your best friend's ex-girlfriend? That's why she left him? **Paola: **Well, and also because he's gay. (_pointing at Skipper_)  
**Hector: **Oh, this is so strange. You know, Rico, you should have stayed with that Marlene. She was a nice, normal girl. (_Marlene comes in all in a flurry_)  
**Marlene: **Hey, guys, guess what? I finally decide I'm into Hitler, and it turns out I'm too much of a Nazi for him.  
**Rico's parents: **What?

**Marlene: **Oh, hey, Mr. and Mrs. Hernandez.  
**Hector: **Two tramps and a Nazi? What are you into, Rico?

**Rico **(_at the end of his tether_): Uh, dudes. I'm into guys.  
**Rico's parents: **What did he say?

**Rico: **I'm gay.  
**Paola: **You're… heh… you're gay?  
**Rico: **Yeah, I wanted to tell you sooner. I just I didn't know how you were gonna react, and I was scared.  
**Hector: **So, you're not dating any of these women or whatever?

**Rico: **I'm not, no. And they're not women, they're my friends Kowalski and Private. Yes he's a guy. (_his parents give them both strange look, they give back sheepish smiles_)  
**Hector: **Oh, thank God.  
**Paola: **What a relief.  
**Rico: **What? You're not upset?

**Paola: **Sweetheart, you never need to be scared to tell us anything. What matters to us is that you're happy and that you're surrounded by people who love you.  
**Kowalski** (_grabs Rico's hand_)**: **And l love you, Rico. I'm so sorry I was such a terrible beard.  
**Rico: **I'm not gonna lie, you sucked. But you did get me here, so thank you.  
**Hector: **Come here, tateleh. (_opens his arms for a hug_)  
**Kowalski: **Aww—(_starts to go for the hug_)

**Hector: **Not you. You. (_points to Rico. Him, Paola and Hector hug, Everybody awws_)  
**Rico: **I told you coming out would be gay. 

_Back at the HQ Rico's parents are spending the remaining time of their visit with their son (and Skipper. 'cause he's there, what can you do). Paola is tidying around, because those two enjoy a bit of mothering from time to time and Hector is sharing a bottle of wine with the guys. _

**Paola: **Oh, you know who's gay is Rhonda Caracas' son, and he owns a discotheque.  
Oh, and lrma's son just came out. He has three kids. Hector, we'd have grandchildren.  
**Skipper **(_his heroism kicks in_): Actually, he's spoken for. (_leans in and starts to make out with Rico_)  
**Paola: **I knew it.  
**Rico **(_whispers in Skipper's ear_): I appreciate what you're doing, but you're not my type. 


End file.
